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DocRef# 10.401892.112a-j: The following classified document provides a brief introduction and overview of the top secret language of flowers; while you are in the field, most of the updates regarding your mission status will be delivered in this fashion. Do not reveal or refer to any of this information to anyone not personally known to you and in your division or chain of command.

Floral "messages" may be delivered to you at any time during your mission. Always assume that you may be under surveillance by enemy counterintelligence agents and act accordingly. When you receive a coded floral message, respond warmly or otherwise as you deem appropriate. If it is necessary to dispose of the person who brought you the floral arrangement, do so discreetly; usually the suggestion of retiring to a more secluded spot where you can complete the task without observation will be accepted and arouse minimal suspicion.

Read over this document until you have memorized its contents, then destroy it. Eating is the standard and recommended method; a small packet of Bernaise sauce has been included to enhance your enjoyment of this procedure.

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Roses: usually indicate the status of the attack plan, e.g.,
red roses: Initiate assault strategy according to plan.
Multiple red roses indicate an increased level of urgency for the mission.
The inclusion of any kind of miniature card placed at the end of a plastic rod constitutes an order to begin the attack immediately and with maximum force.
pink roses: Attack plan still on, but circumstances appear to be less in our favor; exercise greater caution.
yellow roses: Strategy on hold; await further orders; trust no one, especially anyone from Texas.
white roses: Strategy has collapsed; attempt escape and save what you can. Thorns may be used to open a vein if capture and interrogation appear unavoidable.
Carnations: Traditionally used to deliver intelligence information; the complete code is too long to go into here, but "messages" beginning with red carnations normally indicate the status of arms shipments, white carnations describe the enemy's defensive capabilities and strategies, and green carnations detail information about "special" tactics such as those involving chemical, nuclear, and biological agents.
Lilies: Used to indicate contacts, pickups, and locations of other agents.
Daisies: Modifications to one's cover and the overall scope of one's mission strategy.
Bird-of-Paradise: Changes in chain-of-command; when combined with Baby's Breath, it indicates that an agent has been turned by the enemy or a formerly trusted contact is a double-agent; arranged with leather-leaf, it indicates a new reliable contact or agent; Baby's Breath and Leather-Leaf together identify new known double-agents who may be useful for providing misinformation to the enemy.
Balloon: Situation worsening; prepare to drop cover and escape, taking out as many of the enemy as possible.
Teddy Bear with balloon: Disaster! Trust no one, not even other agents; attempt elimination of as much of enemy's offensive, defensive, communications, and support capacity as possible. Attempt to return to base; if captured, Teddy Bear contains high-explosive fragmentation device; attempt to take as many of the enemy with you as possible.

The Unnatural Enquirer, © 1996 by Trygve Lode (

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