Dear Doctor Rude,

I see a lot of products these days that have their lids are covered with a tough plastic cover clearly stating "sealed for your protection." Is it safer to buy these products than similar ones that don't claim to be sealed for my protection?

Signed,
Safety Conscious in Maine

Dear Conscious,

Absolutely not! Products labeled "sealed for your protection" are so labeled only because the FDA has determined that the contents thereof are hazardous to your health and that you would be much better off if the product were never opened. If you should be unwise enough to open a bottle marked "sealed for your protection" the FDA assumes that you are familliar with the dangers and and are willing to use the product at your own risk. At the present time, one of the most popular methods for getting rid of toxic wastes and used industrial solvents is to package them in just this manner and sell them, converting a liability into an asset.

Nowadays, with dangerous food marketing tricks like this, hormones and other potentially hazardous substances added to meat and dairy products, and pesticides on fresh vegetables and fruits, the only way to really know that the food product you're buying is truly safe is if it carries the Doctor Rude seal of approval. That way, whether you're looking at chowing down on "Cruel Whip, the S&M dessert topping that takes a licking and keeps on sticking," "Amanda's Own Special Recipe Fudge" (now available in the handy 55-gallon size), or "Noelleco's Congo Style Extra-Sticky Boysenberry Flavored Body Paint" you'll know that you're eating the most wholesome, natural, and safe food that money can buy.

Doctor Rude

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