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santa claus

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Tonight on America's Most Wanton Unsolved Mysteries:

The Case
of the Stalking Stuffer

still at large

It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."

Despite being single-handedly responsible for a centuries-long crime spree, Santa Claus has never been successfully taken into custody, nor has a security camera ever taken any pictures that could be positively identified as being his. At least in part, this is because Santa's crimes are always committed under the cover of night on a major holiday, and because he has always targeted private residences instead of business establishments.

Based on the few eyewitness accounts of Santa Claus in action, the FBI has constructed this composite sketch:

Forensic artist's sketch of fugitive
sketch by forensic artist Alice B. (age 7)
name Santa Claus
D.O.B. unknown
race elfin-American
described by witnesses as "jolly"
known aliases Kris Kringle
Father Christmas
Saint Nick

One of our investigators was able to locate one of Santa Claus' accomplices who has accompanied him on several of these annual raids. On the condition that his identity not be revealed, he was willing to speak to one of our reporters.

We will refer to our informant only as "Reindeer X."

Reindeer X
"Reindeer X"

"I'm one of the newest of Santa's recruits, so I couldn't tell you much about his earlier raids, but my guess is that his tactics haven't changed much. He's pretty set in his ways."

"Why am I spilling the beans on Santa? Because it's got to be told. ...and I still feel like a misfit in Santa's private air force. Oh, sure, the other reindeer won't come out and say anything, but they still don't invite me to join in any reindeer games."

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"We start by landing on the rooftop of the target house."

"So far as I know, he doesn't case the houses first. It's like he's got a sixth sense or something, ...he just knows where to land, how to get in without getting caught, whether the owners have been naughty or nice...."

santa claus enters the house

kris kringle grabs a poker

"He gets in through the fireplace. I don't know how he does it, but that's probably what he's counting on, that nobody would think someone would just pop down the chimney, right into their living rooms."

"Everybody locks their doors and even their windows these days, but have you ever heard of anybody thinking to lock their chimneys?"

"No one is safe."

"...even those gas fireplaces with fake ceramic logs don't slow him down more than a second or two."


and he escapes

"...when he's gotten what he came for, he just lays a finger aside of his nose, gives a nod, and up the chimney he goes."

"It's not natural, I tell you."

"By the time anyone's stirring, even a mouse, it's too late. Santa will already be flying out of sight, exclaiming:

'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!'"

"Sheesh. What nerve."

all too late, the mouse stirs

but the damage has been done

"Santa can clean a place out in under a minute. Doesn't matter what it is: cookies, brownies, even milk and cake. Once he's into your house, it's as good as gone."

"The fact is, there's not much the police or even the FBI can do. Before they know what's happened, Santa will have crossed the border into international airspace. Even his secret stronghold--hidden somewhere near the North Pole--is outside of any nation's jurisdiction."

If you have any information that might lead to the arrest and conviction of Santa Claus or any other fugitive from justice, send it in along with whatever cash and credit cards you have in your wallet.

christmas cuffs

(Just trust us on the wallet part. It's for your own protection.

Next week on
America's Most Wanton Unsolved Mysteries:

The Tooth Fairy:
Are any of our internal organs truly safe while he remains at large?
filling out the police report
Unnatural Enquirer Archive
The base of the tree
The Unnatural Enquirer, © 2001 Trygve Lode (

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