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get rid of unwanted hair

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Do you suffer from
unsightly, disgusting

oh, honey, it's not that it?
Even now, this couple's vacation is being ruined by worries about Unwanted Hair.
Whether you realize it or not, Unwanted Hair could be sabotaging your popularity, devastating your attractiveness to the opposite sex, and destroying any chance you might have for a normal and happy life.

It used to be that those stray follicles around the bikini area meant endless painful hours spent waxing, plucking, or shaving--or resigning yourself to a hopeless life as a unfashionably fuzzy pariah.

state of the art technology
NASA Hair control specialists deploy NairSat Seven, one of thirteen new state-of-the-art orbital laser depilatory platforms

...but that's now a thing of the past! Thanks to a joint effort by NASA and the Defense Department, satellite laser technology has finally been put to good use. While SDI (the "Strategic Defense Initiative") was a flop as a global anti-missile defense system, the same laser and particle beam technologies have been turned into a miracle for anyone suffering from Unwanted Hair!

Satellite Laser Hair Removal is permanent, fast, convenient, and often safe.

No prescription is necessary; simply enter your precise geographic coordinates and a valid credit card number, and the procedure will begin as soon as an available hair removal satellite passes overhead. You can schedule Satellite Laser Hair Removal sessions at your convenience anywhere in the world.

satellite laser hair removal
Laser Hair Removal satellites are so sophisticated they can even remove unwanted hair while you relax and enjoy the sun

There's no need to take time away from your busy schedule to visit a doctor's office or clinic; Laser Hair Removal Satellites' patented depilatory beams come right to you at the speed of light, no matter where you are.

will it work for armpit hair too?
Whether you're looking for a tidier bikini area, to eliminate that uncultured-looking "unibrow," or to destroy those troublesome underarm hairs forever, Satellite Laser Hair Removal is for you!
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Satellite Laser Hair Removal makes the perfect gift! Isn't there someone in your life that you'd like to have zapped with a space-age depilatory laser? You won't believe the look on their faces when you surprise them with permanent hair removal from space!

no more back hair
Imagine being able to eliminate Unwanted Hair once and for all without interrupting your daily activities.
could you get this one last spot?
Most of the time, Unwanted Hair is eliminated permanently after just one treatment, but if you find that we missed a spot, a follow-up Laser Treatment can usually be scheduled within a few short hours.

So, don't delay! Schedule treatments for everybody on your gift list, and don't forget your animal friends: Satellite Laser Hair Removal is perfect for poodle sculpting and can even be used to neuter your pets if they happen to be lying on their backs at the time!

Satellite Laser Hair Removal only takes a few seconds, but the results will last a lifetime!

  • While Satellite Laser Hair Removal can even be performed indoors, outdoor application is strongly recommended, owing to the damage that will be sustained by any intervening structures.
  • Do not look directly into the beam during the procedure or immediate and permanent blindness may result. If you are having your eyebrows thinned, keep your eyelids closed until the satellite targeting your face has passed below the horizon.
  • High-power laser treatments like those involved in Satellite Laser Hair Removal can cause skin irritation and blistering. If this occurs, tough.

(Coming soon: Satellite Lasik
- keep your eyes peeled for it!)

The Unnatural Enquirer, © 2002 by Trygve Lode (

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