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Evil on a Budget

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How to threaten the free world on fifty dollars a day

Part IV, getting that "high-tech" evil lair look, before you've robbed Fort Knox

Back in the good old days . . . er, bad old days, running an evil empire was a lot simpler: it was a lot easier (and cheaper) to find a remote and forbidding location to put a fortress from which to launch one's diabolical schemes, minions were relatively cheap and generally pretty reliable, and one could count on being able to support a moderate-sized campaign of world-threatening efforts from the returns of a reasonable investment portfolio, especially if one timed stock trades to coincide with relevant threats against humankind.

the popularity of rock climbing has eroded the privacy of mountain strongholds

Over the past few decades, the cost of effective villainy has skyrocketed, outpacing the Dow, the Consumer Price Index, and even health insurance. These days it's hard to find a secluded mountaintop or isolated island that hasn't already been covered with condos. All the really formidable-looking abandoned warehouses have been converted into high-priced lofts. And don't even think about finding a "fixer upper" castle for a reasonable price.

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Broken windows and decrepit construction may add to the atmosphere of your evil lab, but with the "atmosphere" there also comes the rest of the stuff that's in that atmosphere--bugs, rain, and, occasionally, neighborhood children.

The "open to the elements" style of evil laboratory went out with Baron von Frankenstein. Fortunately, with a few inexpensive touch-ups--like these stylish plastic wallcoverings from the Mothra Stewart "Lab Wrap" collection--even a poor-condition, hidden-in-a-long-abandoned-warehouse research lab can be updated to a more modern (and sanitary) look.

Don't worry if some of your lair accessories aren't actually useful or relevant to your evil plots, or even if you don't know what they are. As long as they fit with the overall decor, they'll just add to the sense of complexity and mystery of your operation.

Studies have shown that most secret agents will flee as soon as a few large and imposing items in your fortress begin to emit sparks and smoke; add a convincing "it's about to blow up" warning siren, and over 90% of international counterintelligence agents will run out the nearest exit without ever checking to see whether any of the smoking equipment is part of the evil plot they were attempting to foil. Having a few idle or unnecessary high-tech items that appear prominently in your fortress decor provides an easy and convenient method of ridding your stronghold of secret agents who have overstayed their welcome.

Be sure to shop around and take advantage of sales and quantity discounts. Foreign arms dealers are often eager to get new clients and may offer attractive pricing structures and financing options.

If you're new to the villain trade, adding a few international arms deals to your resume' always looks good and helps build up your credit rating and credibility.

After you've settled on a basic style, picked out a few major decorating items, and selected the devices critical to your fiendish scheme, an inexpensive way to round out your fortress decor is by hitting a few computer and IT surplus sales.

A few years ago this kind of equipment would have cost tens--if not hundreds--of thousands of dollars, but if it's not state-of-the-art this week, you'll find everyone from going-out-of-business dot-coms to major defense contractors practically giving away their most imposing-looking equipment.

In this case, we picked up an ordinary DEC VAX 11/750 minicomputer, a Qualstar 9-track half-inch-tape drive, and a US Robotics analog modem bank. The total out-of-pocket cost was under $100, but you can see how it adds a high-tech flavor and much-needed blinking lights to an otherwise dark corner.

An IBM 3290 multisession flat-plasma display is just odd-looking enough to look higher-tech than it really is, yet obsolete enough to be free for the hauling. Combined with the VAX, the Pertec interface tape drive, the modem bank, and a phone-book-sized Bang & Olufsen remote control, it was possible to decorate a lab without ever having any two pieces of hardware that were compatible with each other.

This might not seem like a laudable goal, but it's a common side-effect of buying surplus computer equipment.

Surprisingly, a cluttered-looking lair is easier to maintain. The stark, minimalist look in evil labs will only be taken seriously if it's also kept immaculately clean and polished--and who has time to keep their equipment dust-free, especially with the demands of coming up with world-threatening plots? With high-tech equipment in every corner, nobody will notice a few fingerprints or a little dust, and it'll maintain its intimidating quality even when you don't get around to dusting as often as you'd like to.

Of course, you still have to provide the ominous, malevolent presense. No amount of decorating finess will make up for a lack of an overwhelming aura of evil. Make sure you stay in practice even in between evil plots by cruelly dispatching rival villains, feeding stray secret agents to sharks, or--if absolutely no more challenging victims are available--ordering in pizza and then refusing to pay the delivery person.

One caveat, however: avoid "Jacob's Ladders" and other electrical discharge devices; not only did they go out around the time that plumbing came in, they can wreak havoc with modern-day electronics.

Leave the spark gaps at the electronic surplus store, or you'll be risking a computer crash right when you're about to take command of a missile guidance system or having your radio jamming system start transmitting the chorus from Britney Spears' "Oops, I did it Again" when you'd meant to be broadcasting your demands to the President.

Often it's a good idea to put the equipment for the real control center in some innocuous room underneath your fortress; an unfinished storeroom can work well for this purpose.

One other helpful hint: hide a boom box outside behind a bush or other suitable spot and leave a tape of a sports car speeding away in it. Often, you just have to duck through a secret panel and then start the boom box outside to get gullible secret agents to run off on a wild goose chase, leaving you the time and privacy to get your work done.

Alternatively, your secret control equipment can simply be integrated into your decor. If you want to hide your supercomputer from prying eyes, don't put it behind locked glass doors or even throw a canvas tarp over it--just put a vase on top and nobody will look twice at it.

... but don't put any computers you actually intend to use next to your Apogee Divas, even if you think their respective lines would complement each other; with more than a hundred pounds of magnets in each speaker, the reliability of your data could be compromised, multiple redundant processors or not.

Don't overlook the impression you create with your getaway vehicle either; successful villains don't drive station wagons or VW minibuses. Even if you can't afford to buy a sports car or stretch limo, you can still rent one for important occasions.

With a little thought and creativity, you can turn any structure into a professional-looking secret hideout. Remember, world conquest isn't just about having the right weaponry, it's about having the right attitude.

EvilStyle:
getting the most from mutations and deformities

It used to be that merely having an unusual physical deformity or minor mutation was enough to make the general public realize you were a serious villain and feel properly threatened. Sometimes, just having a limp, a missing arm, a heavy foreign accent, or a flat-topped head would do the trick. But in today's cultural climate, you can no longer count on even a really intriguing physical deformity to get you very far as a villain. Sure, it must be cultural progress in some sense that having one's hands be made of tempered steel blades--even with the optional Sawzall attachment--no longer stands in the way of obtaining gainful employment as a stewardess or in the lucrative field of vacuum cleaner repair, but it means that the modern-day villain needs to go beyond what was required in the Dick Tracy days.

a tasteful scar can be an intriguing highlight of your appearance, and just like tattoos, are available in temporary form if you're uncertain whether a particular scar is the right style for you

the ability to generate psychic energy blasts is a great attention-getting mutation that won't make it harder to find clothes that fit

Remember, a deformity or mutation can make or break a villain's career, so if you have any control over what happens to you, choose wisely. As a general rule of thumb, try to avoid exposure to any alien technology or experimental mutagenic ray that's likely to transform one or more body parts into anything commonly served in a cafeteria. No matter how nefarious your plot to unleash nuclear devastation on a major population center may be, the sad truth is that your threats will probably not be taken seriously if circumstances force you to refer to yourself as something like "Doctor Parsley"; even the scariest of food-related supervillain identities--"Brussels Sprout Knuckles," for example--will rarely strike terror into the heart of anyone over the age of seven.

Mechanical bodily modifications, on the other (ahem) hand, can be fraught with almost as many pitfalls as the vegetably-styled. A drilling bit from a large oil rig might look menacing, but bear in mind that one of those can weigh in at more than a hundred pounds. If you have trouble carrying your luggage all the way down the main concourse without switching hands at least once, having one for a hand is almost certainly a bad idea. Nobody's likely to be intimidated by a villain who's dragging his mechanical limb along the ground, and your credibility as a potential threat to national security will drop every time you have to call off an evil scheme on account of persistent back pain. Pick mechanical body modifications that are scary-looking and fit your personality, but are compatible with your physical skills and limitations. If in doubt, go for stainless steel claws; they're lightweight, never go out of style, and all but the klutziest of villains can keep from hurting themselves with just a little bit of practice.

A laser or particle-beam weapon is a tasteful addition to almost any villain's wardrobe. (not recommended for use with Swamp Thing or Merman-style motifs.) (...um, that world be the aquatic-dwelling type of Merman, not the Ethel type.)

Finally, whether you're immune to gunfire or not, it's best to pretend to be. If people think you can be destroyed with a few well-aimed bullets, they'll probably try to shoot you. As long as they believe you're invulnerable, they won't bother. Simple enough?

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