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Lose up to sixteen inches instantly just by relabelling your jeans with AMD's new Quantispeed® measurement technology!

Could you be obsessed with pointless tabloid personality tests?
- take this quiz and find out!

Secret photos reveal Intel's Itanium production line is staffed entirely by Oompa-Loompas!

Psychics predict most devastating bugs for next year's software releases!

New Mexico resident has been running Windows 95 continuously since 1996...without crashing or rebooting!

Latest distributed computing decryption puzzle solved--by Elvis!

weekly wired news

IBM Reseach Bears Fruit

ibm develops puttyberry and charcoalberry
Charcoalberry and Puttyberry to revitalize IBM's marketing strategies

IBM's first foray into genetically altered foods is about to unleash a cornucopia for their marketing team. On Monday, researchers at IBM's strategic genetic research division unveiled the newest additions to our nation's food supply: charcoalberry and puttyberry.

"Recent market studies have indicated that current trends in consumer purchases of computing equipment favor fruit-colored computers and peripherals," explained IBM spokesman Dr. Jean Locus, PhD. "However, IBM's own internal studies showed that the cost of retooling IBM's production facilities to compete effectively in the rapidly-growing "fruit colored computer component" market segment would be prohibitive, and thus began IBM's efforts to develop new fruits that would be backwards-compatible with our existing product lines."

Genetically engineering these two new forms of food took only three years: "we were fortunate that after only two months of development, one of our lab assistants happened to mention that blackberries already existed in nature. That revelation hit us like a thunderbolt, and the respose was tremendous when we presented this finding to IBM's top management. Energized by our early success and with an enhanced budget, we returned to the lab to develop the remaining fruits necessary to support the rest of IBM's product line."

Industry analysts hailed IBM's marketing savvy and predicted that this development would bolster sales for manufacturers of office furniture and supplies who would now also be able to label their products with the new fruit colors without the expense of coming up with new colors or having to dispose of existing inventory--provided, of course, that they pay the yet-to-be-announced royalties to IBM.

Representatives of the US Food and Drug Administration were less enthusiastic about the IBM's new fruits, claiming that even when fresh, they didn't taste nearly as good as either charcoal or putty, but admitted that mere nastiness was not considered grounds for blocking FDA approval and that they could be available on store shelves by July.

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Microscoft Files for Patent on Anti-Piracy Technology

Microscoft, long an outspoken opponent of software piracy, filed a patent application Thursday for what they've termed "Installrot Technology." Illegally produced copies of Installrot-enhanced software, Microscoft claims, can still be installed on user's computers, but over time they start experiencing mysterious bugs and crashes more and more frequently. Eventually, Installrot developers hope, the user will become so frustrated that he or she will have to reinstall the software just to get it to work properly again, perhaps this time from a legitimate copy.

Critics immediately attacked Microscoft's application on technical and legal grounds. Numerous industry experts pointed out that legitimate copies of their software act exactly the same way, though at least two or three other industry experts have responded that developing software that requires frequent re-installation would at least prevent too many people from using any single copy of the software, whether legal or pirated.

Alpo Computer immediately filed its own competing patent application for the technology, claiming that they really developed Installrot technology first, or at least stole it from Xerox's Parc Division before Microscoft got its grubby paws onto it.

Industry analysts have expressed concern that Alpo's patent application is even broader in scope than Microscoft's and that, if Alpo were to get its way, Microscoft might have to pay royalties to Alpo each time its software crashes, not merely when it has to be reinstalled. If such royalty requiriements were upheld in court, it would be cheaper for Microscoft to buy Alpo Computers outright at its current stock price.

Hell Computers Introduces New "Hoodscoop" Line of Computer Cases

advanced cooling technology
Hoodscoop technology to cool the processors and graphics cards of tomorrow

"The average power consumption of modern desktop processors and graphics cards has been increasing by more than 67% per year" according to Hell spokesman Lucy Furr. "By 2006, we can expect a typical desktop computer will dissipate more than seven thousand watts just sitting there. Multiprocessor workstations and high-end gaming systems supporting multiple displays will consume still more power--we estimate an average of 18,500 watts--and give off correspondingly more heat."

"In Hell, 'PC' stands for 'Proactive Computing,' and we're designing our PC cases today for the needs of tomorrow. We were the first computer manufacturer in the central Texas area to supply 2500-watt power supplies in our standard models, and the second to provide the added-value option of high-airflow cooling fans to prevent the power supply from melting."

"But it won't be long before computers consume far more than a mere 2500 watts. That's why we've developed Hoodscoop Technology to ensure that adequate airflow reaches the parts of your computer that need it the most."

"In a typical case design, air is drawn into the case haphazardly through randomly scattered holes, gaps, and slots, and then pushed out of the case by a few fans on the back, often placed no more than an inch or two away from the same air holes which draw the hot air right back into the case. With Hoodscoop Technology the air inlets are isolated from the case: cool air flows through the intake manifold, passes through a highly-efficient filtration system to remove airborne dust and contaminants, and is piped straight to the CPU and graphics card. The original beta version also included a highly sophisticated carburetor to produce a precise and consistent gasoline-air mixture which was then sprayed onto the CPU heatsink, but this has been removed in the production version, so just forget all that stuff that was in the papers about our beta test sites exploding."

"Finally, the air is pumped out through stylishly chromed exhaust pipes to a safe distance from the CPU. As long as no flammable materials or important body parts are near the air outputs, the computer operator will almost certainly be safe, too. Just remember to replace the air filter regularly with genuine MOPAR filters, and to plug each of the power supply's nine AC input cables into a separate circuit, and you'll enjoy years of state-of-the-art performance from your Hell computer."

NotSoSoft Releases SecureBlue™ Total Virus Protection

Illegal operation, dumping core

NotSoSoft, best known for its WinPIP and MacPIP file copying suites, allowing Windows and Macintosh users to perform disc-to-disc and file-to-standard-device (console, card punch, line printer) copying with command-line ease and simplicity, has stepped into the anti-virus arena with SecureBlue™, the most advanced and effective product of its kind ever.

SecureBlue™ protects your computer against viruses, trojans, spyware, adware, scumware, and anyware. It can be installed on your hard drive, or started from the included bootable floppy and CD-ROM. Once loaded, it begins a dump of your computer's physical core to disk--where you can examine it in your favorite hex viewer for any signs of unauthorized tampering--and then halts the system.

Complete computer security has never been this simple. Once you install SecureBlue™, your computer cannot be infected by current or future viruses, so there's no need to keep installing updated virus information files. SecureBlue™ protects your personal information and address book, and stops your computer from receiving unwanted email ("spam") or launching unwanted pop-up windows!

SecureBlue™ is available through NotSoSoft's website, which is itself so secure that it cannot be reached through the internet, and it may be available in stores at any moment.

Man Swallows Mouse, Says He "Won't Sue"

It was only a matter of time before the popularity of jelly-colored computer peripherals would lead to cases of computer users mistaking them for novelty gummi candies and eating them. Dave Torkin of Berksferd, Iowa, did just that last week--but he's not planning on suing the manufacturer. No, he's discovered that he can still operate his computer by flexing his abdominal muscles and he says it's a better ab-exerciser than anything he's seen in an informercial. Dave now expects to have six-pack abs by the time he reaches the sixth level of "Shark Hunter III: Sparky's Revenge."

Martha Torkin, Dave's wife, says she appreciates hubby's new firmer torso, but wants him to upgrade to a wireless model. "That mouse cord hanging out of his mouth is just plain weird," according to Martha.

Scientists Discover Hard Drive on Mars

ancient alien hard drive

"This discovery tells us a lot about the values in ancient martian society," said Dejah Thoris, PhD. "We estimate that this drive must have had platters just over a kilometer across, and this tremendous diameter would have meant that its average access time would have been at least a thousand times greater than modern hard drives built by human technology."

"Because ancient martian culture obviously valued size far more than speed, we believe that, if humans had faced them in most conventinonal online games--Quake, for example--humans would have had an overall advantage. This may be why we do not observe martians competing in Quake tournaments today."

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