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"Madge, I just don't know what I'm going to do! I've tried everything I can think of, but I just can't get rid of these unsightly spots on my crystal! I just know that when my husband sees another glass with spots on it, he's going to leave me for sure!"

"Why, Linda, I know just the product that will change your life from the loathesome hell it is to a beautiful and happy orchard of delights! Yes, you just need to try new DoveChains from MEGO Industries!"

"DoveChains? Madge, this is just a box of heavy-duty steel chains and manacles--how's this going to get the spots off my crystal?"

"Linda, Linda, Linda, with DoveChains, you can have spots on your glasses that look like roadkill--if you've got a husband who's dumb enough to leave you because there are spots on the glasses, simply attach DoveChains to his wrists and ankles, and you'll never have to worry about him walking out again."

"Thanks, Madge. I'll give them a try!"

Welcome back to ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtles. You'll remember from last week that Raphael had just told Borgia that he wasn't sure where their marriage was going and he wanted to spend some more time alone. Michaelangelo had finally decided to go out with Estienne (who had been secretly admiring him from afar since last season) and they had had a wonderful time, up until she suddenly realized that there was a possibility of a genuine relationship between them, so she locked herself in the bathroom until he left and took the doritos with him. And, as we last left off, Leonardo was listening to Donatello explain the troubles he was having with his boss at the advertising agency.

"Leonardo, I don't know what it is, but she's just cutting down everything I produce--I don't know what she has against me, because she's not doing it to anybody else. I mean, on the Horbett Account, she shot down my idea of building a campaign around the slogan 'Horbett Farms--It's Simply Radical, Dude!' without even taking a moment to think it over and then turned around and nodded approvingly at Bert's lame idea of 'Horbett Farms: We Bottle Sunshine and Call it Milk.' I mean, it seems like she's had it in for me ever since I started working there.

"Oh, hi, Medici, I didn't know you were home. Did you drop Botticelli off at little league practice?"

"Yeah, I got home half an hour ago. I even managed to get him there early this time. I worry about him though, Donatello; he says everything's fine, but I think the other kids have been teasing him about being green and having a shell. Oh, well; would you and Leonardo like some bran muffins?"

"Gee, thanks, Medici, but I don't think we're really all that hungry right now."

"Hey--just kidding, Donatello! Actually, I brought pizza."

"Pizza!!! Cowabunga!" Insert sounds of three thirtysomething mutant ninja turtles converging on a lone, defenseless pizza. Segue to Michaelangelo wandering around his house, looking thoughtful, presumably thinking of the previous night with Estienne or perhaps trying to remember where he left the can of Pringles. Eventually, even the director realizes that nothing is particularly likely to happen here and decides to break for another commercial.

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Tough day at the office? Kid's got an earache? Time to do your taxes? Now, more than ever, is when you need

T U R T L E * P O W E R

That's ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle Power--feel it flow through you when you go to work with your ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle briefcase, send the Heitmann Report to the main office on your ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle plain-paper Fax Machine, give your kid a couple of ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle Aspirin, and do your taxes on your ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle multifunction financial calculator or even with new TurtleTax, the same computer program (available for both IBM and MacIntosh) that Leonardo himself uses to file his returns!

Don't you think it's time you got a little Turtle Power?

And now back to our program.

"Estienne, this is Borgia. Do you have a moment? I've got to talk to somebody. Thanks. It's Raphael--I don't know how much longer I can deal with his moody spells. It's not like anything's wrong--I think everything's fine and then all of a sudden he decides that he can't see where our marriage is headed and he needs some time to do 'some, like, heavy thinking, you know.' Thanks, Estienne, it's just as if he becomes a completely different turtle when these things hit. One moment, everything's great and the next it's totally gnarly. If I didn't love him, I think I'd make him into soup or something."

The director, satisfied that a sufficient quantity of genuine human feeling has been squeezed into half a telephone conversation, switches back to Michaelangelo who continues to look around the kitchen, an empty can of Pringles now being evident on the table towards the left of the screen, letting us know that he is no longer pondering the location of the Pringles and that his mind has turned to deeper thoughts, either about whether he should call Estienne at this moment or perhaps about whether he'd rather microwave the leftover pizza or devour it cold. Suddenly his eyes light, and he reaches towards the phone--no, towards the temperature control on the oven: he's decided to bake the leftover pizza in a conventional oven! This, however, is threatening to be more action than a single episode of ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtles could possibly contain and so, it's time to end the program. Roll credits.

The Unnatural Enquirer, © 1993 by Trygve Lode (

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