Trygve.Com > Humor > archives: short history of usenet
history of usenet, as told by andrew hare
Note, this is only a fable
Subject: a short history of usenet was Re: Gender Differences
From: Andrew Hare <>
Date: 2000.03.11

George Davenport wrote to me and cb:
> How come you johnny-come-latelies don't understand that Steve
> Chaney being mocked for perceptions of his writings and views

hey cb. our hive membership is in question, man.

> "Grampa Jeem, tell us what it was like at the beginning."

the history of usenet

by andy
(dedicated to john fereira)

In the beginning of usenet there was kenn barry.

All was light. All was pure.

Then john fereira came along.

All remained light. All remained pure.

Some might say: a little too light. A little too pure.

These people didn't exist yet, as there was only kenn barry and john fereira.

One day kenn grew a little weary of john, although no less fond.

He wanted to have a metadiscussion, and you can't do that with just one other person.

Plus sometimes john made rude jokes.

Out of gravel and water and a little process he liked to call photosynthesis, kenn created trygve.

Now there were three. kenn and john and tree.

All remained light. All remained pure.

But then tree got very busy and only posted when he wanted to report something about his life or when he banged his thumb with a hammer.

tree had invented the driveby.

tree had also invented lurkers to read his drivebys.

kenn was not happy with this turn of events. He decided that the mistake he had made was to create someone too strong, too interesting, too perfect.

Therefore it was clear, in retrospect, that tree would decide to choose Life over Usenet.

Meanwhile, i had forgotten about john. john had felt a little hurt that kenn had created tree, and was not mollified when he saw how disappointed kenn was with his creation.

john knew that kenn had not especially enjoyed his dart jokes, so it was time for a little payback.

Out of a few fishing poles, an old hawaiian guitar, and a copy of the 1985 statistics on the percentage of marriages that succeed, john created jeem.

jeem entered the world with a barbaric laugh.

Usenet grew much brighter and darker at the same time.

In time, kenn became charmed with john's creation.

jeem had invented sarcasm, and kenn found that he enjoyed it, despite himself.

Yet he still yearned for more weighty discussion.

kenn dreamed of making a man, a worthy and good Man, a truly incredibly smart powerful Man, someone he could discuss all of life with.

But kenn had learned his lesson from creating tree. He knew he must introduce a flaw into his creation, an achilles heel. This was necessary so that his creation would keep obsessively posting to usenet, and never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever leave.

Long posts, and not just drivebys.

This man must not make the choice tree did.

So kenn created daniel mocsny.

daniel entered the world in a flash of brilliant crackling lightning.

If john had been hurt by kenn's creation of tree, he was doubly hurt at this turn of events. In retaliation, john created a number of very sweet and lovely and smart people.

One of them was cheezits. Another was george davenport. A third was allisson. A fourth was charlotte blackmer. A fifth was sunbird. A sixth was songbird. i should mention cheezits again. A seventh was mike.

If you have been posting here for a while, and you are sweet and lovely and smart, you were created then.

This was the brightest day in the history of usenet. I wish my song, my story could end here. Alas, fair muse bids me continue.

kenn was delighted with daniel. Many were the frolicking debates they shared. Up the hills and down the dales of thought they romped and bounced merrily.

Then one day kenn clearly lost an argument to dan.

I mean, it was obvious to everyone, even john who loved kenn best, that kenn had been bested by daniel.

kenn got pissed off.

So kenn took revenge on usenet.

From now on he would create people with problems.

Insecure people. Egomaniacs. Megalomaniacs. Dipsomaniacs. Nymphomaniacs. Maniacs of all kinds. Depressed people. Shy people. Bitter people. Irritating people. Angry people.

People like us.

thanks kenn :)

Andy parts of the saga still to tell the emergences of chaney, s.s.m, jackie, hive, aaron, leanne cb, brock, etc

any takers?
trygve logo
what's new
weirdos 69

Back to the singles page

Back to The base of the tree